toss and turn。

睡不著,而且開始哭泣,我決定要寫下一些東西。

recently,some friend asked me if i even tried sex or not.
the answer is obvious but the truth is unbearable.

i know this friend didn't mean to ask this question.
but it did remind me something very very terrible.

the reasons i broke up with pingu

1.the gap between us is too big to cross.
even tho i didn't care about his education,money,or background.
2.i'm the thrid person in this triangle.
and he even wanted to conceal it.
3.those bad experiences of sex betweem us.
tho he enjoyed them,but i hate them for sure.

dun kno why i started to think about the very last we
did it in their place tonite.
i even dun kno why i'm still so upset and sad about it.

we lain down on their bed and he started it violently.
i wouldn't and won't say that i didn't feel anything.
but the point is i was staring at their pictures
posted on the ceiling and couldn't help crying.
he even tried to scold me after it.
coz pitures are only pictires.
i should try to forget them.
and i should forget that they made love everyday
just in this bed we're making it.

could u call it making-love or taking-out on me?
i won't say it a sex between human but an animalism.

we didn't have it for many times.
actually i can count it in one hand.
but every time was a "special" memory.

i've never told you that
after the very first time i gave up my virginity
he paid me.
how ridiculous it was and how it hurt.
not only physically but mentally.
i gave it coz i loved him so much not bcoz i want money.
any words or a hug would do more than those money.

after breaking up,i tried hard to forget all these.
but what kept obsessional was those sex evperiences.
and the blame i took on myself.
for getting off the feeling i had it again with Roger
about half year later.
(Roger is THE EXEX-BF you kno who is younger than me)
he knew my sadness and helpless so he really tried hard.
everytime was so gentle,respectful and be-loved.
i did feel better and released after that.

it's different between making love with someone really loves you
and someone who just thinks you're a virgin and a target.

i hate thinking about it but it'd never be reversed anymore.
and god knos that would be someone waiting for me.