收假症候群?????

新聞上說..
收假症侯群要三天才會好...
症狀諸如
日夜顛倒/爆飲爆食/上班上課遲到...

我只有第1項...但是也很慘...
這幾天真是狠狠的想把時差調回來..
這學期真不是開玩笑的...一定要認真的...

早上去了一趟學校...
樹梢的空氣依然那麼迷人....
心情也變開朗了...

但是我那糟糕的幻想卻一直持續...
天ㄚ...想到我真的想揍我自己一拳了...
又不是懷春少女....
我是不是瘋了阿???

為了要達到目標..所以要努力存錢..
直接攻入他們的陣營中..
是個不瘋狂又具有積極的想法...
畢竟這也是我的夢想工作...

努力吧!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pissed off..

it's reeeeeeeally quite slow
when i tried to post something
with my mac in this website...

damn........reeeally reeally pissed off this kinda things..

it's raining again and i felt alil lost and upset..
am i mad ?
i found out that i hardly focus on
the real business in these few days....
and the new semester is getting closing....

BTW..my counsoler hates me using
"getting or gotta" kinda of words..
he said that made me sound like
i'm a person without high education...

dun like to back to NTU again...
feel kinda nervours and scary...
also it's bcos the mustdo thesis left unfinished..

and...i'm still working on the sop....

sometimes i felt that it's really endless and endless...
sometimes i felt that it's easier if i just say no.....

everyone hope that i can get into NYU...
including myself....
i tried my best and eventho
i felt that i didn't try as hard as i could...

done is done..my sis said to me..

by spending waiting for any response...
i felt more and more uneasy and down........
always question myself is it right or not....

why i felt aimless so frequently ?
why i felt sad so often ?

i kno i can't depressed again..
but i couldn't help it...

anyway...there's always a new begin
when everyday starts,rite?

i deeply hope that it'll be a very very
fresh and brandnew year 2007....

GOD KNOS WAT I MEAN!

070223/6:15AM

好煩喔...這個年假就這麼過去了..
雖然真的休息到..也玩到..
還看了很多好看的影片...
順便也做了些功課....

可是..哀..一想到下週就開學..
心中就不住的滴血阿...
阿...我好想再休學阿....
ㄧ想到接下來又要每天跟老闆討論論文..
又要努力把論文完成...
還要弄留學的事情...

就覺得...天ㄚ....
為什麼生活就是無法簡單一點呢?

追逐夢想..真的是件累人的事情....

還要搬家..............
選家具..自己做窗帘...
想到都OOXX啦...

真的快瘋掉>"<

唉.....還是加油吧...
我已經答應上帝爸爸說我要努力了...

希望所有有夢想的我的朋友們...
都可以跟我ㄧ起加油!

FIGHTING!!!!!!

不離開的人?!

過年的時候...

錯過和朋友見面吃飯的機會
ㄧ次。

婉拒和朋友看電影散心的機會
ㄧ次。

講電話上網通訊的時候..
總是有那麼幾個人說我太宅了點...

是嗎?

但是我不想..
格格不入的去很熱鬧的地方..
卻覺得自己很無助...

每次都從夜市中經過要去百事達...
然後被朋友念個幾句的叫過去吃飯喝茶...
要嘛幫忙擺攤..
要嘛就在家裡跟努比比乾瞪眼...

我覺得這樣的生活很開心....

我常自己笑著說自己..
是個離不開台北的真正"台北俗"
不是因為地域的偏見..
更不是因為城市的嬌寵...

我想..
我已經很自在的跟這個城市相容...
有時候當然會有點寂寞..會有點藍色...
但是這個城市..這個台北..
非常美好..非常耀眼...

我說我要做一個不離開的人...
其實也並沒有那麼笨...
精神上或是實體上...沒有太大的差別...
對於這個城市是這樣...


對於學弟..也是如此......


有時候覺得自己有點扯...
到現在..
還會直直的看著他的帳號十分鐘..
允許自己陷入一些不切實際的幻想...
傻笑著猜測他再度與我聯絡的心態...

然後再度把他收入這摺疊好的文件夾子中...
這樣的回憶蔓延...三天也只能有一次...
太多了...
我想我們又會再度成為不相交的兩條線...

回歸到現實面...
我依然不懂為什麼兩個人會重新聯絡上了...
因為都要出國唸書所以有話題?
不敢去想...
我依然會是他生命中一個重要的"曾經"...

畢竟..
愚蠢的事情ㄧ輩子不想再發生第二次....
奇怪的對話...曖昧的舉動...尷尬的相處...
也許都是來自我太多的想像與情感...

所以很感謝上帝..
讓我們重新可以對話...
可以像朋友ㄧ樣的聊天...

不是擦肩而過的兩個陌生人...
這樣的關係...
對現在的我來說...
已經足夠....

生命的無助。

這個過年..就是這麼喜樂與哀傷參半...

朋友的貓咪在很突然的狀況下走了..
看著她po的文章..突然不斷的狂掉淚....
對於寵物沒感覺的人...
應該是覺得我們有點大驚小怪吧...

悲傷也許只是暫時的..
但是對於生命的無能為力..
卻是每個人都要面對的功課....

又想起某個夜晚和米小姐在東區巷弄間的談話...
想起她那還在跟無菌室以及化療奮戰的朋友...

怎麼會有勇氣去到醫院探病?
怎麼會有勇氣直視生命的無助?

---
六年前的那時候..小四走的那時候...
我想自己的懞懂是多過ㄧ切的..
也許只是質疑..只是憤怒...
上帝怎麼可以讓一個如此美好的生命消失..
上帝怎麼可以讓這個充滿天賦的女孩就這樣離去...
不掉一滴淚的幫忙完所有後續處理...

死亡..
像是一個不存在的名詞...
直到儀式上..才驚覺她已經不在我們身邊了....
突然掉下的眼淚..
卻被美術系的朋友靜靜的睜了一眼...

不該哭的...
因為那個真正面對生命努力的女孩..
她是微笑著平靜著離開...
---

年初四...
朋友靜靜的跟我講了小黑妹妹離去的消息..
沒有太多悲傷..只有不捨..和很多很多的回憶
後續傳給了我有關寵物安樂園的網頁...
她說她還好....
我卻怔怔的說不出話來.....

說多了..覺得自己言不及義...
也許就是自己知道...
我還很天真的無法接受"死亡"這件事的意義...

所以我知道為什麼..
自己從以前到現在...
依然會著迷三島由紀夫的美感描繪...
畢竟在那樣的世界...
死亡似乎是那樣的美好....

卻不似真實....

我甚至不能也不敢瀏覽那個朋友給的網頁...
雖然我知道寵物生前生後的大小事情我都應當了解...
當我庸庸碌碌的總是忙著照顧我的小王子...
每天和他在家裡自言自語的對話...
我不能想像...
努比有一天被上帝接走的時候...
我會怎樣的面對這一切....
我自私的希望...他可以跟著我很久很久...

生命存在與否的理由..誰能理解?

倒著咖啡..
突然覺得自己對於自己的生命..
也太過肆意的揮霍浪費了...
總是不自覺的享受著太多的美好....
不自知的抱怨著生命中的不順遂...

呼吸著每份空氣..
是很多人都企盼不到的禮物...
有勇氣面對生命中的挑戰..
更是一種天賦....

我想接下來的日子中...
我會更努力的對身邊每一個人好...
更努力的把握每一天的存在....
也希望我的朋友都努力的活著....

因為...
這樣的存在僅此一次。

年節近況..

ㄧ個人的年假..似乎也沒有那麼可憐...
我想我只能感謝..上帝給了我好多好多的恩典..
給我好多好多的真心...
讓我在橫衝直撞的生命道路上...
不會覺得那麼的孤單...

初二初三..都是和還需要在台北工作的朋友一起過...
也沒什麼不好..

幫幫她們擺攤招呼客人....
在雨中看這個充滿矛盾卻又歡樂的城市....
生意不是太好..
在雨棚下..卻充滿了年節的歡樂和滿滿的祝福..

市場中..總是有那麼多市井小民的智慧與熱情...
玩著已經很久沒碰的沖天炮和仙女棒..
竟有種重返青春之感...

真心的關懷與交流..
在這個世界已經是非常寶貴的禮物了...

感謝上帝..
讓我自在從容的活著!

除夕夜的11點25分...

好像有點淒涼喔?
台北下雨中...
我又自顧自的開始有點藍色了起來..

不知道大家都在吃團圓飯歡樂的同時...
我自己該和自己如何相處?
爸媽弟妹全都出門..
我?

不想跟..也不能跟(因為努比)
然後..也許整理一下我自己的生活
亂到已經不行的房間..
會比一時間的享樂更來的有意義?

是年紀嗎?
總覺得過年越來越無趣...
而且總是覺得有點悲傷的感覺....

曾幾何時...
年夜飯也不過就是留在台北的五個人
非常安靜的吃完一頓不是很"過年"的飯...
雖然我媽忙進忙出的張羅...

這樣的ㄧ頓飯依舊比不上塞了10多個小時..
回到南部和奶奶相對而坐的那份團圓菜......

有點難過..但是"大人們"的處境..
也不是我能夠決定或是幫的上忙的....

本來想初二初三也回南部看看..
可惜..我爸要載二媽回高雄...
沒車的我...
還是乖乖在家寫論文跟SOP比較實際...

我開始後悔我為什麼沒有在2/8就滾到紐約去了....

今天下午..嘗試著整理了一些東西..
還有接下來一整年的計畫...
我想..
這樣寂寞的日子...
對我來說...
可能只會增加不會減少了....

為了夢想..為了成就...
為了不再為小小的水電費而吵翻天...
努力賺錢..努力得到更多的地位...
努力想再重新過不用擔心錢的日子...

在有些人的眼中看來..
可能我ㄧ直著眼在非常功利的事物上吧?!

其實我對於奢華ㄧ點興趣也沒有...
也總是在喧鬧炫目的聚會上感到寒冷...

穩定平安的處境..充滿希望的歸屬...
是我不敢禱告..卻希望上帝聽見的聲音....

最近又看了ㄧ部韓劇...心情好了不少...
也讓自己放假幾天..好好想想自己新的SOP該如何寫...
有時候會強迫自己不要去看那些充滿希望的戲劇或是電影...

看完之後總是很期待...
但是我依舊懷疑..世上真有那麼好的事情會發生嗎?
這個世界....
依然是我相信的那個美好時代嗎?

心裡太過天真..卻不想改變...
外表...卻不自覺的堅強....

今年的守歲..就是整理著電腦中的錄音檔..
還有一堆留學資料中度過了吧....

希望所有有看見我的部落格的朋友..
雖然不多...
但仍希望妳們都可以有很美好的ㄧ年..
充滿活力...充滿恩典...

林後5:16
所以我們不喪膽.
外體雖然毀壞,內心卻ㄧ天新似一天.

我們這至暫至輕的苦楚,
要為我們成就極重無比永遠的榮耀.

原來我們不是顧念所見的,乃是顧念所不見的.
因為所見的是暫時的,所不見的是永遠的.

a delayed post..

其實是早好幾天前就想ｐｏ東西,,,
無奈...我不懂為什麼blogger在清晨時分總是十分的緩慢...
不然就是東西load不上去...

anyway..it's a post on 09/feb/2007
and i decide that if they contiune this bad service..
i'll move my blog to other places..
cos i got too many thoughts to express..

___________________________

it's hard to explain what happened in these few days....
but u can always guess it's about the applications
and that kind of things...

anyway,,,I didn't
send the application for Arts Administration of NYU..
after back to Taiwan..
counsellor wanna me to asked for a special extetion..
they said okay and i have to deliver it before friday...

but guess what...
it's friday today?!
it's not done yet..
and i kno it won't meet the 2nd dealine again...

quite complex but the ture reason is
I'm not sure if I wanna get into this program or not..
so i didn't write it at all.....

maybe some pl will say that I'm always too emotional or something..
(I can guess their looks and thoughts)

whatever...
in my opinion,I can't persuade myself to do something
I'm not sure about or can't figure out clearly...

so...the solutions are
1.asked for a more few days and complete it asap.
2.try to figure out and give up this program at NYU

what matter is..
I've sent one application to NYU for Music Business
which is the one and only I wanna get into..

is it so important for me to send another application
to the same place and apply for something
that i'm not sure?

quite down and stressful...
feeling that i'm pushing to do something I dun like..

either i'll be accepted or not..
it's not my first choice and I might not go..

why there's always no room for me to slow down
and tring to thinking more comprehesively?

it's about Chinese New Year and I'm so dying
for a real relife and break....

the trip to singapore is a turly torture..
it not only exhausting but dissapointing...

the worst is.....there's no money left.....

When I read Bible on wed,,,
I found out a sentence which is so beautiful..

"For God is not a God of disorder but of peace"

will God draw me back to him and forgive
every silly things i've done?

will God bring peace and love back to my life?

I deeply prayed for a turly well-ognizied life
and the calmness of wit for my crazy life.....

BTW,,i got scolded again by my father.....
which is so normal and consquent that i even
forgot to mention it...ha...

there's something weird happened also in these days..
couldn't tell it and i think it'll testify in the following days..

I hope that God's willing to listen what I said and will say.

the one thing I believe is God is faithful..
上帝不會耍我的,對吧！

i'm thinking about..

since there's some friends told me that
they couldn't open my blog in this system..

i'm thinking about create a new one in somewhere else..
i perfer on .mac system...
but i'm afraid that i reeeally don't have enough time
to complete everything u wanna kno and read...

or wretch?
but i do think that it's place over crowded already..

to be honestly,
i'm non interested in posting all my pics on web..
it's too public and u can always ask me my condition
or any pictures u like from me
by any messengers u like(skype or MSmenssenger or i Chat )

so......
i'm not sure about this idea rite now..
and i wanna finish my applications first..

i'll be left behide at home alone coz
my parents and my sis/bro will go travel for a few days...
so i guess that means i'll get a pretty easy and cozy holidays
in chinese new year..

maybe i'll rebuild my blog then...

I'm back!

HEY!!

I'm back here TAIWAN!!

It's such a weird feeling
that I was quite down when the day i was off to s'pore
and I couldn't help coming back asap rite now.
I think i'm becoming freaker more and more?!

actually I arrivalled on friday and
it's lucky to encounter MR. wang yo zhen in the airport of s'pore?!
so my flight delayed about 30 mins and my mom got quite unpatient..
after her picking us up..
i got home and changed an outfit..
then rushed to the gathering of flute division for a late dinner..

someone in the dinner said that
"you are so energetic.."
uhuh...i think that's just bcoz i'm getting used to
those flying and busy-schedule...

i was trying to get back to the normal life track these few days.
so..i didn't post at the first place when i was back.
and there's something very interesting on sat nite..
I unpacked my stuff till sunday...hahaha:P

and...as usually...i went to meet my dear consoler on sat..
and felt that....oh.....it's the real life and my holidays' over.
(but actually those days in s'pore were more like tortures..)

so..i'm working on those boring application papers again..
and i hope that i can finish them before chinese new year..
there are three skols are on my working lists...
i kno to get the signature of my recommenders will be the hardest part...

it's quite "early" lor...
so i tihnk i'll post more tomolo when i really feel myself..
haha..
I'm quite a dumb person in these days...

BTW..at first I planned to off to NYC on 2/8..
but i think that
it's too rush and
some skols won't have my detail background then..
It's only the trip for NYU...
but columbia Uand boston U will be left behide..
so......
I cancelled my flight and will off US on mid of march or later..
I tihnk it's a better choice and timing....
at the time, i'm preparing for moving my stuff into my new home...
there'll be a big big tragety if i'm not in taiwan.

now...I gotta go to bed and have to send my
lovely kitty to have a real deep shower by 12..
He's smelly but still super cute....

I know God always looks upon me and gives more than I can imagine.